Dear Daughter,

Further to our previous conversation I have come up with some simple rules, or commandments you might say, for your online protection, or to “totes ruin your entire life” as you phrased it.

They are;

  • 1) If you don’t know what is it don’t click on it.
  • 2) If I don’t know what it is don’t click on it.
  • 3)  If you know what it is, but wouldn’t want me to know that you know what it is, don’t click on it.
  • 4)  You may play online for the exact same amount of time you play on grass. Below is an example of what this looks like in case you have forgotten. I have a stop watch if you require one.



  • 5) Don’t talk to strangers. The dictionary defines a stranger as “someone for whom one has had no personal acquaintance.” I meanwhile define a stranger as someone who I haven’t looked in the eye and showed my second favorite sword (pictured)




  • 6) Whilst I’m touched that you want to meet the girl of the same age as you who shares all the same interests, until I’m sure that they don’t in fact look like this, YOU WON’T.


weird man


  • 7) Furthermore, on the subject of the boy you’ve been messaging who you think is “sooooo cute”, I’d like to point out that you only have his word for it that he is in fact “soooooo cute”. I only have your mother’s word that the jumper she bought me for Christmas makes me look distinguished and Clooney-esque. Until I get further evidence that he doesn’t look like this, It’s also not happening.


dangerous man


  • 8) With regards to your online shopping: when you actually pay for something yourself you may refer to it as online shopping. Until then please refer to it as ‘stuff your Mum and Dad can donate to a charity shop on a moments notice’. You may have thought I wouldn’t notice the credit card charge last month, but trust me, the CIA may have ears everywhere, but if you think they compare to your mother’s all seeing eye then you’re wrong.
  • 9) On the subject of putting our personal information on line. Do bear in mind how much personal information I have on you. I have included a free sample.

family kiss


  • 10) You may indeed think you are smarter than me, and that may in fact be the case, but if you think I don’t know where the history button is then you are wrong. Likewise if said history should somehow get deleted I will feel free to read into this what I will.


The next time you use terms like ‘overprotective’ do please remember that there’s no such thing when it comes to you.

Hope this helps clarify my position.